Learning To Trust After An Affair

When your partner has an affair, and you find out about it, your life can feel like it has shattered into a million pieces. Most people would tell you to leave the relationship and move on.

When your partner has an affair, and you find out about it, your life can feel like it has shattered into a million pieces. Most people would tell you to leave the relationship and move on.  Some, will tell you to work it out. 

When your partner has an affair and you both decide to stay, there are a lot of things to work through.  The common threads in working through infidelity is trust and forgiveness.   It takes time, and commitment on the part of both people to build trust and deepen the relationship once again.  

Putting the shattered pieces of your relationship back together after infidelity, is not something that can happen overnight. 

There are many other reasons, but the following seem to be the most common. 

There may have been a traumatic event, such as illness or death, which might bring up one’s mortality.  Suddenly, a person might wonder if this is all there is.  

There may be unfulfilled or unexpressed sexual fantasies, that your partner wants to explore, but feels uncomfortable sharing those with you for fear of judgement. 

Your partner may have become bored with the relationship and makes an attempt to spice up their lives outside of the of what you have together. 

There may be a hunger and a for intimacy, that is not possible within the relationship for various reasons.  

Your partner may be wanting a better emotional connection that you have.  They may be wishing for the connection you had in the beginning, before illness, career, children, death, financial difficulties, trauma and chaos.  

For some, the excitement of having an affair, the sensation of longing , sex or romance addiction becomes more important than the feelings of ones partner. Once they have tasted that type of excitement, it is difficult for the cheater to go back to real life with a partner who is committed to them and loves them no matter what.

A partner who chooses to cheat, whether it is emotional cheating or physical cheating, has disrupted the values systems the couple held dear, and it has them questioning themselves, their relationship, and their future. 

Many feelings come up for a partner who has been cheated on.   Number one is the loss of trust.  

The key to building trust again, is to be honest.  Completely honest and transparent.  Without those two things, the partner who was cheated on, will likely never gain trust within the relationship again. 

Learning to trust yourself after your partner has cheated, is the best thing you can do.  Trusting your gut, will never steer you wrong.  

Whether you go for couples counselling or coaching, or want to work on your emotions separately from couples therapy, it is very important to have an individual who can help you find a solution and then navigate your next best steps.  Each person has similar and yet very different reactions when it comes to finding out about an affair your partner has had.  It is important to do whatever works for YOU.  

To bring back the love, trust, and respect you likely had when you first fell in love, you might want to consider starting to date each other again.  Surprise each other, and take turns planning a date.  You will be amazed at how well this works. 

Having said all of this, sometimes, there is no way to resolve this issue, and to move forward within the relationship.  When trust and respect have been destroyed, it leaves a bad taste, and some will not forgive the person who deceived them with another. 

So please.  Be kind to yourself.  Either way, there is help here for you. 


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